A few days of struggling with mental health

July 27, 2023

First, I’ll probably delete this. I’m writing because I’m hoping that a little self-therapy might help me break out of my funk quickly.

Second: I am not suicidal. Just hating my situation.

Third: content warning: depression, sex, poor health, sadness

Occasionally I get in a funk and feel depressed for a few days. I’ve been told it’s natural in my situation, but sometimes it hits without warning and I feel powerless except to let it run its course. This week is one of those situations. You see, I am reminded that I am getting older, that life has taken a turn I did not expect, and things will never be great again. I’m not so deep into the darkness that I want to leave this earth right now, but it’s not like I haven’t occasionally wished a meteorite would plunk me in the head so I don’t have to worry about the future.

I married someone who I thought would be my highly-independent, strong-willed, fun-loving soulmate and best friend in 1997. I lived this dream until her health started having serious problems about five years later. Severe neuropathic pain was bad enough but she went on to experience multiple strokes, each destroying more of her brain until I question if I know her anymore. She is affected physically, emotionally, and mentally, and I have transitioned into a dedicated caregiver and part-time nurse to keep her comfortable and functioning. I feel it is my duty to stick with her until the end, no matter what. But I do not feel like a husband anymore. I think she prefers to think of me as her at-home doctor and less of a friend. Maybe it makes it easier for her… I don’t know.

That amazing love is gone, transformed into something more like duty and responsibility. I think this is the source of my bouts of depression that hit quickly and fade in a week or so. I realize there will be no more dancing, no more frolicking at the beach, no more passionate excursions, no more deep kisses, no more sex (OMG), no more passion, no more pillow fights, no more tickle battles, no more tight hugs, no more giggles, no more happiness, just no more anything. I’m just holding and waiting for the inevitable and hoping her life is good while I am stalled in the darkness of my mind. It’s loneliness for something I used to have that is gone now. It’s lonely and dark where I live now.

It’s ok because I’ll push through like always and stop feeling sorry for myself and give up on dreams and go back to the reality of my soul-crushing routine. But it’s been almost 20 years since I felt the love that made me so happy. I miss this immensely and I dread thinking I will live on many more years with this same feeling. Life sucks right now and I don’t think it will get better. In fact, the only way I can see it improving is if the worst possible thing happens to her. And that will surely devastate me too.

And I hate feeling sorry for myself… so that doesn’t help at all.