Gary's Writing Pad

Weary whispers age exhausted echoes linger sleep eludes, a sigh.

Endless nights whisper weary eyes bear heavy loads responsibilities.

Sleep's elusive dance burdened by life's demands eternal fatigue.

Well, I’ve fallen off the consistent posting path once again, but I have to reveal my newest interest. I am getting back into Dungeons and Dragons! I played so much as a teenager and into my 20s but it’s fallen to the wayside for too long. So I’ve purchased the 5th edition books and I’m bringing myself back up to speed, hoping to find a group to play with in the near future. Yay!

Nope, this isn’t another rant about us living in the Matrix. At least I don’t think it will go that way… But today I am again wondering what is real. It’s the 21st century and we are forging bonds and friendships online, often without ever meeting the other people in real life. We learn about them and we think we know them, at least until we find out we don’t.

This week I am dealing with the fallout of such a question. When the other person online is a criminal and a scammer, they show you the false reality they have created to get your trust. And they are good at it. They appear just as genuine and real as any of your other online friends. I mean, they are one of your online friends until the plot is exposed. One minute you are talking about your day and the next, you are being blackmailed for a thousand dollars because you shared things maybe you should’’t have shared (to your “friend”).

Sure, the best advise is to be “careful” online and don’t trust anybody, but that’s no way to treat everyone when you enjoy meeting people and making friends. Besides, they’re so good at it, you will swear they are probably still your friend when the scam begins. It’s not fair. It ruins one’s faith in humanity. It destroys trust and ultimately, makes one question everyone they meet online. Are they a friend, or are they just here to exploit me? We think we can tell, but the good scammers are going to convince you to trust them better than your real friends.

What is even real? Do we live in a simulation? Can we manipulate our reality? Is this a dream that we might wake up from someday? Are we a brain in a jar?

I have been wishing for something to happen (rather personal) and all of a sudden, things started happening in overwhelming fashion. This is a case of “be careful what you wish for.” What is going on?

Reset reality and let’s try this again

First, I’ll probably delete this. I’m writing because I’m hoping that a little self-therapy might help me break out of my funk quickly.

Second: I am not suicidal. Just hating my situation.

Third: content warning: depression, sex, poor health, sadness

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Occasionally I get in a funk and feel depressed for a few days. I’ve been told it’s natural in my situation, but sometimes it hits without warning and I feel powerless except to let it run its course. This week is one of those situations. You see, I am reminded that I am getting older, that life has taken a turn I did not expect, and things will never be great again. I’m not so deep into the darkness that I want to leave this earth right now, but it’s not like I haven’t occasionally wished a meteorite would plunk me in the head so I don’t have to worry about the future.

I married someone who I thought would be my highly-independent, strong-willed, fun-loving soulmate and best friend in 1997. I lived this dream until her health started having serious problems about five years later. Severe neuropathic pain was bad enough but she went on to experience multiple strokes, each destroying more of her brain until I question if I know her anymore. She is affected physically, emotionally, and mentally, and I have transitioned into a dedicated caregiver and part-time nurse to keep her comfortable and functioning. I feel it is my duty to stick with her until the end, no matter what. But I do not feel like a husband anymore. I think she prefers to think of me as her at-home doctor and less of a friend. Maybe it makes it easier for her… I don’t know.

That amazing love is gone, transformed into something more like duty and responsibility. I think this is the source of my bouts of depression that hit quickly and fade in a week or so. I realize there will be no more dancing, no more frolicking at the beach, no more passionate excursions, no more deep kisses, no more sex (OMG), no more passion, no more pillow fights, no more tickle battles, no more tight hugs, no more giggles, no more happiness, just no more anything. I’m just holding and waiting for the inevitable and hoping her life is good while I am stalled in the darkness of my mind. It’s loneliness for something I used to have that is gone now. It’s lonely and dark where I live now.

It’s ok because I’ll push through like always and stop feeling sorry for myself and give up on dreams and go back to the reality of my soul-crushing routine. But it’s been almost 20 years since I felt the love that made me so happy. I miss this immensely and I dread thinking I will live on many more years with this same feeling. Life sucks right now and I don’t think it will get better. In fact, the only way I can see it improving is if the worst possible thing happens to her. And that will surely devastate me too.

And I hate feeling sorry for myself… so that doesn’t help at all.

I’ve dreamt about going back in time. I don’t want to go back and do it all over again permanently because there are so many ways it could turn out worse than it is now. But there are plenty of things I dislike about my existence in this reality. So I wish I could go back in some parallel timeline and make a chance to see what would be different. Maybe I went to college instead of the military, or maybe I didn’t marry that girl from high school that sent me down a path of pain. Or maybe I do marry her and become a different person this time and she stays around. Maybe I become a millionaire or maybe I die early. It would be enlightening and fascinating to see what changes might occur by decisions within my control.

I wouldn’t want this to be a re-do however. I’d like to return to the present and live it out the way it’s supposed to go. I think it would be cheating if we could change things and keep the other timeline. Who knows what the repercussions and ripples would affect and who might fare worse because of our change?

Maybe the afterlife gives us some sort of review or insight into our choices. Right now, I can’t help but wonder “what if.” What if I had dome something differently…

Writing is Easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead… – Gene Fowler

Well it’s been more than a month and I have been trying to write some short stories to keep me engaged and working on more writing. And look how that went! ;–)

What I’ve discovered is that life is tough… No matter how hard I try to make time for something important, something else comes up and replaces my free time, making it impossible to squeeze something else in. This isn’t the midlife crisis I expected but it’s what I’ve been dealt. I really don’t wait until my (supposed) retirement to find a few extra hours of free time so I can do the things I’ve always wanted to do.

I believe in the science of climate change. We can see the Earth warming, from surface to tropopause and the effects it is causing are damaging. Whole ecosystems and patterns will change and affect life as we know it. But, at once time, I didn’t think it meant the end of life on Earth. We are adaptable and we can thrive in almost any Earth environment. I figured we would persevere and make do with the new conditions. Sure, people would die and storms would destroy our infrastructure more than in the past, but we would carry on…

I’m not so sure anymore. Today we are hearing that there is at least a 2/3 chance that we will hit and surpass +1/5°C of warming in the next five years. We also are not reducing emissions and effects fast enough so it will probably be more than that in 10-20 years. So the effects are going to be quite significant in 20-50 years. We will see extreme heatwaves, arctic air outbreaks, breakdown of ocean currents, likely power failures, heavy flooding events, significant flash floods, and more intense storms. But what gives me concern is not just the weather and effects, but the way our society seems to be dealing with the impending changes.

The rich people will probably be fine. They will build superstructure buildings that can withstand the elements, floods, and temperatures, house backup power and food supplies, and probably their own mini-community. It’s the 98% of regular people that will routinely die due to the inability to stop the coming changes. And how much change can we take before the changes start to affect the long-term viability of humans on Earth? Crop failures and livestock losses will increase which will cause food shortages. Mass migration will be unable to handle population changes, and work shortages will occur. Ecosystem breakdown will cause the food cycle to become irreparably damaged.

I hate to be so pessimistic, but we are moving too slow. Politicians see this as a future problem, but it’s going to be significant for future generations because we did not act now. Where will be we be in a couple of hundred years? Does society collapse? Do we go mostly extinct as a functioning civilization? How far can this progress and we still survive?

My dreams are just plain weird. I mean I love dreaming, but the subject of my dreams is often really strange. In the last week, I’ve dreamed about military uniforms (recurring with those of us who served for a career, trust me), late appointments (military, again), a coworker I’ve had a disagreement with, my ex (uggh), my dogs, and Twitter. Yeah, I know… I am weird and my dreams are weirder.

Oh, and I often have flying dreams. But the parts I remember the most are running to get a push into the air, and I swear I move my body like a porpoise trying to get moving, then it’s like I’m swimming to get altitude. I rarely dream about the fun part of just flying around… it’s always the takeoff and low altitude over the street or trees. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Anyway, next week I’ll probably dream about something even weirder…

I’ve got a conundrum… We switched to DirecTV from cable solely because they offered NFL Sunday Ticket. But that’s changing now. Sunday Ticket has been picked up by Youtube. Is it time to switch completely to streaming service?

My wife isn’t as tech-savvy or learning-flexible as I am so I have some concerns that she will not like streaming as much as I would. She is one to have the TV showing *something* around the clock, even when she’s not actively watching. Personally, I would like streaming because I rarely watch TV for the sake of TV. I watch very specific shows and then go do something else.

So I’m stuck – keep DirecTV satellite for regular TV and add Sunday Ticket on Youtube? Or dump DirecTV and go completely streaming on Youtube with Sunday Ticket as an add-on? I think the streaming option is cheaper but I am not going to enjoy frustrations my wife may face when it' doesn’t work the same. Oh, and I’ll probably have to upgrade Internet to unlimited data usage.

Though decision…